During my therapy session this week, we dealt with the question, “Who is Jireh?”. It is a deep question that I cannot answer. Well, at least for now. So I came up with the solution of jotting down the things I like first.
I remember the movie, “Runaway Bride” of Julia Roberts. She must find out what she wants first before committing to someone. I think, we all need that. We need to know ourselves.
This morning, I went to the nearest convenience store to send money to my sister. I walked around the store too to check what I like and found a small bag of Almonds. I have been a fan of nuts but my favorite is Almond.
Observing small details like this is very important in knowing who you are. And I’ve learned from it that, knowing what I like will make me not just agree to people around. It will give me a stronger perspective of allowing myself to decide and not just go with the flow.
I have a tattoo on my chest. It’s the first tattoo I really liked though it turned out to be my 3rd tattoo and most probably the last as well. (Not everyone saw this before. Not even my dad, if he sees it, he might do another sermon time. I don’t mind. That’s his right anyway.) But anyway, let me share to you the story behind this tattoo.
Growing up, I always asked myself the meaning of home. Just like every family, ours is imperfect. My parents were always busy, we had conflicts, and etc. And I always ask if home is the same as house. I knew it’s not ’cause it’s better than this concrete building that we have. As I grew older, it is always my dream to find my home. Well, maybe I haven’t found it yet or maybe I found it already but haven’t recognized it. All I know is thatI put it on my chest because I know that home is something close to my heart. Something or someone who would take care of it no matter how lost I think I am. And despite all my struggles right now, I know I still want to meet whoever or whatever it is. I want to recognize home at least before I am gone.
It started when I woke up from another weird dream. I felt the need to get up. I was having a hard time to breathe, having a little chest pain and I was shaking. I still managed to eat and talk to my 5-year old cousin. But after my hot bath which I enjoyed, I started to feel that I need to calm down. I started shaking, crying like I won’t stop anymore. I still managed to get warm water but the crying just won’t stop and I had a harder time to breathe. I guess I am strong enough, I was able to still ask my cousin, to call his dad. My uncle hugged me on the side and asked me if I needed to be rushed to the hospital but I declined. I knew, I just need to calm down. He helped me with warm water, and breathing. He prayed also prayed for me. I calmed down after a few minutes though somehow made me late to log in for work.
Right now, I am still feel a little dizzy and having some back pain but feeling better. I am just thankful that I have been surrounded with great people. I just hoped that he would not feel worried or afraid if this happens to me.
It’s early in the morning here in the Philippines but it seemed my mind is already been wondering to the deep sea where I can drown easily. I was thinking about how my friends and family could be tired of me.
I remember a friend who used to be a family of mine. I mean, we treat each other as sisters. I once pushed her away. I disappeared because I was hurt and when we reconciled after awhile, it was not just the same. Even tagging of simple memes seemed to be awkward now.
I know, it’s my fault. I shut down people when it seemed not right for me. I cry easily over simple things. I am overly sensitive. They must be tired of me. Well, what will they get if they console me? Basically nothing. It’s either, I won’t open up, or if I do, when they speak, I will just feel that they don’t listen or they are pushing me to believe something I don’t understand or believe. I will just ruin everything. Every single time. And honestly, even I, am tried of myself.
I am so sorry but yes, early today, words were just resounding in my head repeatedly. They poison me. If only being okay can be set with words. If only when you say “I’m okay” it will radiate on your soul and mind.
Wrote this not to discourage you this early but just to really write down my day to day journal, may it be struggle or happy thoughts. May it be a way to release, maybe. Feel free to comment encouragement, or even rants or just anything. I don’t mind.
Quarantine has not been friendly on my end. Anxiety attacks and depressing times are quite intense and I must admit, it was the reason why I have not been posting these days. But I promised my dad moving forward that I will seek more help this time and that I will keep on writing even if it’s just telling how my day went. He believed that it was my talent and that it’s therapeutic as well. (PS: His brother, my uncle Dan, also encouraged me on this)
My dad and my stepmom went to Manila from province just to pay me a visit. They both want to make sure that I am better now after what happened last week. Well, I still feel dizzy at times, and stomach pain is still reoccurring but surely, I am recovering. They also made a few calls check on the best help I can get. Plus, they corner me somehow and tell me stories about life. (Well, you know how a pastor trying not to preach but preaches anyway.)
I also got to see my favorites. They have been my family since I was a kid. We were teased together because of our curly hairs which were not easy to manage. I considered them siblings since then. Their mom also stood like my own mom too when mama passed away and their dad was my godfather/uncle at the same time.
It’s been years since I saw these babies. I am glad to have some time to talk and hug them. It’s a priceless quarantine bonding. Family is after all OUR HOME.
Thankful of course to my handsome uncle Nep too who has been very supportive to this meet up. He shared some good, humourous real life stories with learnings, of course. One thing that I got there is that he’s living all by God’s grace and cannot boast on his own efforts. Humbled by his stories though we are all guilty in the family that we look highly of him for being such a good family provider and being best at work.
The playing kids in the corridor, the noisy children in the classroom, the messy chairs, the blanks in the attendance sheet, the repetitive sound of the computer keyboard, the loud sound of the bell and the other things to be observed in the school will always be remembered by him. School was his favorite place. Despite the fact that he is an introvert and he enjoys peace, he will never forget the beautiful chaos in the school. He was once there to be a channel of learning and surprisingly he also learned from the subject matter to one’s life experiences. He has regrets for leaving but he has to go. There were other plans in his mind that he has to pursue while he is still young. “I will be back.” He said as he closed the gate of the school.
I haven’t been writing these days and I know that. I miss those people I talk to here and how my thoughts flow about everything. And right now, I just want to share this song I’ve written yesterday. This pretty sums up everything I feel these past few weeks. Well, I was not sleeping well and have anxiety attacks. Anyway, leave me a comment or a feedback. And if you can include me to your prayers, I would appreciate it. Enjoy listening! (Lyrics written below)
Title: Anxiety Sleepless nights I’ve been staring at the ceiling Overthinking everything
I’ve been restless Reminded of the past I am now drowning here
Oooooh Hold me in your arms Let me rest a bit Tell me everything’s Oooooh Assure of your love Stay by my side Tell me everything’s Gonna be all right
Nightmares visit It scares the hell in me I just don’t want to sleep
Shadows whisper It echoes my mistakes It kills me every single time
Pull me closer When I try to runaway Forgive me in every way I hope you’ll still choose me (I am not my anxiety)
Ps: Please excuse my fats and my imperfect music talent. It’s been two years since I wrotea song. Well, enough with explanation. Have a great day ahead!