Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Happiness

In this time of hardships, where do you find joy or happiness?

I am a person who’s always in deep thought of true meaning of happiness. I even disagreed with someone’s Philosophy that “Happiness is the goal of life.” For I believe that not all things that makes us happy are good and we always have to evaluate that.

I must admit, I have been unhappy these days and smiles are nowhere to be found. I have been swallowed by my past and present circumstance. But while I was praying, God reminded me that He’s the ultimate source of joy and the only thing I should do is surrender. I wildly cried as I poured out my heart but you know what’s the best part? I found joy, happiness and peace after. It will only be found in Him.

I hope today, if you are looking for joy, happiness and peace, you come to Him because He will be glad to take care of you. (Matthew 11:28 & Deuteronomy 32:10)

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Consistency

Lately, I’ve been thinking of people who tried to be in a relationship with me, especially this quarantine and I saw one characteristic to them, inconsistency. All of them are good starters but couldn’t finish. They all end up leaving without notice too! And I must admit, it’s frustrating but I cannot control them. Still thankful to God since He showed me that those were not the love He wants for me. Surely, many of you would agree that not even your spouse could satisfy the love you all yearned for, only God.

God’s love is so pure, consistent and unconditional.

I remember one time when I was in the height of struggling with my depression, someone wouldn’t talk to me unless I am doing great in my spiritual life. It was so conditional to the point that I want to force myself to be okay just to be able talk to her. But again, God convinced me that it’s not the love He wants for me and he reminded me of His love. And as I continue to struggle, God showed me more of His grace and love that I can’t even imagine. I was brought back to the cross, His greatest public display of affection. Who would be willing to love us when we messed up? Who would be willing to die for us? Who would forgive us when we repeatedly sin? Who would love us without condition? Definitely none but Jesus. And what’s the best thing about this? He is consistent. Remember that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

Personal

Improvements

She is an Answered Prayer by Joana San diego

Even before my diagnosis, I already suffered from difficulty to focus which hindered me from reading and even writing sometimes. It’s frustrating on my end because I am huge fan of reading. But since last night, I was able to read without being distracted though it’s a two-page readings only. I feel so accomplished. Thank you, Lord. 💚💚💚

Do It Again, Planetshakers

Just like what this song say, God will do it again. He will heal me just like before. In Jesus name!

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Changes

As I continue my medication, my body changed. I feel bloated, dizzy and sleepy every time. My body feels weaker than before. I always feel that I am dragging myself up and I need to fight the feeling that I need to stay in bed and get up to exercise. Today, I even cried on the threadmill! Gosh.Well, no one is forcing me to do things but I feel like I need to do it to be healthy. My hands are in constant tremors and sometimes it feels just nothing but numbness. My eyes are now extra blurry. And somehow, my heart feels weird for feeling empty and full at the same time.

But I am thankful for those people who are standing by me with all these changes, especially at work. Thankful for my family who are getting in touch always and my uncle who has been checking on me time after time and his awesome kids who makes my heart warm. Also, huge thanks to my team lead, Fabby for being such a great support in this time of changing season and health condition. Grateful as well to our company and bosses who never showed stigma on mental health but really making it always possible to help their employees.

Talking about changes, let me show you some creative changes I did to myself.

Dyed my hair Green.
Took care of my nails this time!

I think, the small changes I’ve made can be called self-care. I think it is an achievement to do these things since I always feel doing those are like a hard chore. Making a little difference and making myself a little pampered is good especially in this hard times, isn’t it? What do you think? Or you’d rather let me have pink hair? Hahaha!

Hope everyone is doing just fine. ❤️

Personal

The Process

God is our healer. I believe that. He let me experience His healing power too many times. (Hospitalizations, say what now?!) But my question is how am I seeing the process of healing? What are my learnings along the way.

Today, as I heal in a certain area, God made me see more of His wonders more than the healing. On the process, I saw the value of life, people’s support, and reconcilation of my relationships. The Lord has always been so faithful that even on the process He lets me experience His hand caressing me. ❤️

Personal

Birthdays

Today, I recognized that I was so afraid of my birthday because it was all centered to how I will be happy yet, this is not about me but about the God who breathe in me, the one who loved me at my worst and pushes me at my best. Thank You Lord for all the learnings of today. I am so ready to put praise on my lips as another year adds. ❤️

Ps: I will be 27 tomorrow.

Personal

Moms

God gave me two moms to honor. It’s not mother’s day but let me do this. My heart cannot contain the overflowing love and gratefulness.

My biological mom is Lilibeth Gabasa. She was sweet and beautiful inside and out. What I remember most about her was her enthusiasm in doing household chores, dancing while cleaning the room. But it was a short-lived experience. I only had her for 6 years of my life. But still, thank God for the time given to us and for her life.

After my mom died, my father remarried. My step mother is Corazon Gabasa. She is pretty, slim and not showy. She is strict in house rules but still has a beautiful heart. I must admit, we went through a lot of struggles in keeping up with our relationship but I think even with your real moms, you do struggle too, right? What I love about her is her love for my father. I saw her tirelessly took care of him. These are the things I know I cannot do while building my own life. I also learned to read and not watch too much because of her. In fact, I am not fond of watching since then. I also learned to multi task. And I love her genuinity towards my healing. She helped me a lot in this area. And oh, before I forgot, I love that she gave us our handsome brother.

When I was young, I used to not appreciate how our lives are different after my mom died but now, as I mature, I appreciate every bit of it. I thank God for learnings and for the lives of my awesome moms who are both gifts from Him. ❤️

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Beating My Inner Self

Being depressed has a lot hardships. It’s always hard to get up and do things. It’s difficult to focus and etc. But each day, I am glad that with the help of the Lord, I am given a will to get up.

Today, I beat myself. I woke up late. I usually get up 5:30 in the morning to exercise but I dragged myself up instead around 6 AM. I did my usual routine. Drink water and coffee and then exercise.

2.5 Km for 30 mins.

Since I only do walking on threadmill, I usually got 2.0 Km per 30 mins but today I reached 2.5 Km. Isn’t that a milestone? Beating myself to get up and do extra mile on exercising is something for me. Depressed or not, I think, it’s important that we became champion versus ourselves. I am guilty about always feeling defeated on different areas of my life and seeing these small wins make it a whole lot different. It makes me more excited each day. I hope there’s something that will excite you today. God bless!

PS: I already lost 2 kilos for working out in 3 weeks!

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Slowly but Surely

I was pouring muscovado to a bottle when I realized how important to be patient and to do things slowly.

I don’t want to waste muscovado so I slowly pour it to the bottle. It took time but I have spill after pouring. I did it successfully. And I remember my healing, it might not be easy, it might take time (according to the doctor it might take 3 years of medication), it might not be purely straight line towards healing but it will be sure. I want to make sure, I am doing it right.

Ctto

I was feeling blue and I felt pressured. In one week time, it will be my birthday but somehow I felt like pressured. I was thinking if people will truly celebrate my birthday. Do they really appreciate my existence? I am worried as well of this feeling because I might not be healing well. Then my cousin sent that to me. And she’s right. There will be days that you will not be okay, and that’s fine. It will be a rough road towards healing but the important part is, you are healing. Slowly, but surely. I am now determine to take one step at a time. ❤️