Personal

The Process

God is our healer. I believe that. He let me experience His healing power too many times. (Hospitalizations, say what now?!) But my question is how am I seeing the process of healing? What are my learnings along the way.

Today, as I heal in a certain area, God made me see more of His wonders more than the healing. On the process, I saw the value of life, people’s support, and reconcilation of my relationships. The Lord has always been so faithful that even on the process He lets me experience His hand caressing me. ❤️

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Birthdays

Today, I recognized that I was so afraid of my birthday because it was all centered to how I will be happy yet, this is not about me but about the God who breathe in me, the one who loved me at my worst and pushes me at my best. Thank You Lord for all the learnings of today. I am so ready to put praise on my lips as another year adds. ❤️

Ps: I will be 27 tomorrow.

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Moms

God gave me two moms to honor. It’s not mother’s day but let me do this. My heart cannot contain the overflowing love and gratefulness.

My biological mom is Lilibeth Gabasa. She was sweet and beautiful inside and out. What I remember most about her was her enthusiasm in doing household chores, dancing while cleaning the room. But it was a short-lived experience. I only had her for 6 years of my life. But still, thank God for the time given to us and for her life.

After my mom died, my father remarried. My step mother is Corazon Gabasa. She is pretty, slim and not showy. She is strict in house rules but still has a beautiful heart. I must admit, we went through a lot of struggles in keeping up with our relationship but I think even with your real moms, you do struggle too, right? What I love about her is her love for my father. I saw her tirelessly took care of him. These are the things I know I cannot do while building my own life. I also learned to read and not watch too much because of her. In fact, I am not fond of watching since then. I also learned to multi task. And I love her genuinity towards my healing. She helped me a lot in this area. And oh, before I forgot, I love that she gave us our handsome brother.

When I was young, I used to not appreciate how our lives are different after my mom died but now, as I mature, I appreciate every bit of it. I thank God for learnings and for the lives of my awesome moms who are both gifts from Him. ❤️

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Slowly but Surely

I was pouring muscovado to a bottle when I realized how important to be patient and to do things slowly.

I don’t want to waste muscovado so I slowly pour it to the bottle. It took time but I have spill after pouring. I did it successfully. And I remember my healing, it might not be easy, it might take time (according to the doctor it might take 3 years of medication), it might not be purely straight line towards healing but it will be sure. I want to make sure, I am doing it right.

Ctto

I was feeling blue and I felt pressured. In one week time, it will be my birthday but somehow I felt like pressured. I was thinking if people will truly celebrate my birthday. Do they really appreciate my existence? I am worried as well of this feeling because I might not be healing well. Then my cousin sent that to me. And she’s right. There will be days that you will not be okay, and that’s fine. It will be a rough road towards healing but the important part is, you are healing. Slowly, but surely. I am now determine to take one step at a time. ❤️

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Joy-Nal Entry #2

Banana Strawberry Refrigerated Cake

After lunch today, I created this refrigerated cake for the kids. It’s really good, unexpectedly. Andre almost half it after dinner. Well, I am very happy about that. I know that this was not as creative as other cakes but, it’s delicious.

Creating things make us happy especially when it’s a success. And being happy time after time is important.

One second missing 😂

I do threadmill walking for one straight week now and it feels so good. I was really guilty of not working out for years. Been sick and not really healthy but I am glad to finally decided to go back on track. Exercising produces dopamine which is really good for everyone. You can try if you want and like me, you can start walking first. I started walking for only 15 minutes and just added more as time went by.

Doing things consistently makes you feel empowered sometimes. It feels like you’ve achieve something. There’s a sense of fulfillment. And it’s important that we feel that we achieve something for the day, or for a week. There will be a warm feeling in the heart.

What’s your joyful story today? Let me know.

Personal

New Look

I recently had a haircut and hair dye. One of the things I am trying to enjoy now is to take care of myself. What do you think about the hair? Oh by the way, I am embracing the curls already. ❤️

Personal

Joy-Nal Entry #1

It’s been more than a week since I started working out. It’s good. It’s now my favorite thing to do. But don’t get me wrong. I am only doing 15-minute yoga and 30-minute fast walking on threadmill. It makes me happy. I was not into exercise before but I enjoy it now.

But one thing hinders my enjoyment, the time. I was always conscious that the time will be up soon. I am more like impatient. I remember starting to see 25 minutes and I just want to stop working out thinking, it’s almost there anyway. So today, I covered the time with a paper while working out. Listened to my favorite wedding songs. Yes, you read it right, wedding songs for work out. Not that I am working out for a wedding or for someone but I just enjoyed it while trying to sing too.

I realized that I AM SO IMPATIENT. I remember asking God why things are not coming to pass yet. Especially this month, I am turning 27. I am now counting what I should have achieved other than fat. 😂 Truly, God holds the time. His timing is not our timing. His ways are far from our ways. Now, I am looking forward to work out for 45 minutes without being too conscious about time.

BTW, [Joy-nal is a word I just created. I mixed joy and journal because these entries will now come with joy and learnings. Expect for more!]

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Dealing with Who I Am

Almond

During my therapy session this week, we dealt with the question, “Who is Jireh?”. It is a deep question that I cannot answer. Well, at least for now. So I came up with the solution of jotting down the things I like first.

I remember the movie, “Runaway Bride” of Julia Roberts. She must find out what she wants first before committing to someone. I think, we all need that. We need to know ourselves.

This morning, I went to the nearest convenience store to send money to my sister. I walked around the store too to check what I like and found a small bag of Almonds. I have been a fan of nuts but my favorite is Almond.

Observing small details like this is very important in knowing who you are. And I’ve learned from it that, knowing what I like will make me not just agree to people around. It will give me a stronger perspective of allowing myself to decide and not just go with the flow.

What are you thoughts? Let me know.

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Journal Entry #4

Tattoo: HOME

I have a tattoo on my chest. It’s the first tattoo I really liked though it turned out to be my 3rd tattoo and most probably the last as well. (Not everyone saw this before. Not even my dad, if he sees it, he might do another sermon time. I don’t mind. That’s his right anyway.) But anyway, let me share to you the story behind this tattoo.

Growing up, I always asked myself the meaning of home. Just like every family, ours is imperfect. My parents were always busy, we had conflicts, and etc. And I always ask if home is the same as house. I knew it’s not ’cause it’s better than this concrete building that we have. As I grew older, it is always my dream to find my home. Well, maybe I haven’t found it yet or maybe I found it already but haven’t recognized it. All I know is that I put it on my chest because I know that home is something close to my heart. Something or someone who would take care of it no matter how lost I think I am. And despite all my struggles right now, I know I still want to meet whoever or whatever it is. I want to recognize home at least before I am gone.

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Journal Entry #3

Tonight, I had panic attack.

It started when I woke up from another weird dream. I felt the need to get up. I was having a hard time to breathe, having a little chest pain and I was shaking. I still managed to eat and talk to my 5-year old cousin. But after my hot bath which I enjoyed, I started to feel that I need to calm down. I started shaking, crying like I won’t stop anymore. I still managed to get warm water but the crying just won’t stop and I had a harder time to breathe. I guess I am strong enough, I was able to still ask my cousin, to call his dad. My uncle hugged me on the side and asked me if I needed to be rushed to the hospital but I declined. I knew, I just need to calm down. He helped me with warm water, and breathing. He prayed also prayed for me. I calmed down after a few minutes though somehow made me late to log in for work.

Right now, I am still feel a little dizzy and having some back pain but feeling better. I am just thankful that I have been surrounded with great people. I just hoped that he would not feel worried or afraid if this happens to me.

I promise to seek more help and get better.

Personal

Journal Entry #2

It’s early in the morning here in the Philippines but it seemed my mind is already been wondering to the deep sea where I can drown easily. I was thinking about how my friends and family could be tired of me.

I remember a friend who used to be a family of mine. I mean, we treat each other as sisters. I once pushed her away. I disappeared because I was hurt and when we reconciled after awhile, it was not just the same. Even tagging of simple memes seemed to be awkward now.

I know, it’s my fault. I shut down people when it seemed not right for me. I cry easily over simple things. I am overly sensitive. They must be tired of me. Well, what will they get if they console me? Basically nothing. It’s either, I won’t open up, or if I do, when they speak, I will just feel that they don’t listen or they are pushing me to believe something I don’t understand or believe. I will just ruin everything. Every single time. And honestly, even I, am tried of myself.

I am so sorry but yes, early today, words were just resounding in my head repeatedly. They poison me. If only being okay can be set with words. If only when you say “I’m okay” it will radiate on your soul and mind.

Wrote this not to discourage you this early but just to really write down my day to day journal, may it be struggle or happy thoughts. May it be a way to release, maybe. Feel free to comment encouragement, or even rants or just anything. I don’t mind.

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Journal Entry #1

Quarantine has not been friendly on my end. Anxiety attacks and depressing times are quite intense and I must admit, it was the reason why I have not been posting these days. But I promised my dad moving forward that I will seek more help this time and that I will keep on writing even if it’s just telling how my day went. He believed that it was my talent and that it’s therapeutic as well. (PS: His brother, my uncle Dan, also encouraged me on this)

My folks visited me. ❤️❤️❤️

My dad and my stepmom went to Manila from province just to pay me a visit. They both want to make sure that I am better now after what happened last week. Well, I still feel dizzy at times, and stomach pain is still reoccurring but surely, I am recovering. They also made a few calls check on the best help I can get. Plus, they corner me somehow and tell me stories about life. (Well, you know how a pastor trying not to preach but preaches anyway.)

Zhei, me, and Dei. ❤️

I also got to see my favorites. They have been my family since I was a kid. We were teased together because of our curly hairs which were not easy to manage. I considered them siblings since then. Their mom also stood like my own mom too when mama passed away and their dad was my godfather/uncle at the same time.

It’s been years since I saw these babies. I am glad to have some time to talk and hug them. It’s a priceless quarantine bonding. Family is after all OUR HOME.

Thankful of course to my handsome uncle Nep too who has been very supportive to this meet up. He shared some good, humourous real life stories with learnings, of course. One thing that I got there is that he’s living all by God’s grace and cannot boast on his own efforts. Humbled by his stories though we are all guilty in the family that we look highly of him for being such a good family provider and being best at work.

But how’s everyone?

Personal · Videos / Songs

Update

I haven’t been writing these days and I know that. I miss those people I talk to here and how my thoughts flow about everything. And right now, I just want to share this song I’ve written yesterday. This pretty sums up everything I feel these past few weeks. Well, I was not sleeping well and have anxiety attacks. Anyway, leave me a comment or a feedback. And if you can include me to your prayers, I would appreciate it. Enjoy listening! (Lyrics written below)

Title: Anxiety
Sleepless nights
I’ve been staring at the ceiling
Overthinking everything

I’ve been restless
Reminded of the past
I am now drowning here

Oooooh
Hold me in your arms
Let me rest a bit
Tell me everything’s
Oooooh
Assure of your love
Stay by my side
Tell me everything’s
Gonna be all right

Nightmares visit
It scares the hell in me
I just don’t want to sleep

Shadows whisper
It echoes my mistakes
It kills me every single time

Pull me closer
When I try to runaway
Forgive me in every way
I hope you’ll still choose me
(I am not my anxiety)

Ps: Please excuse my fats and my imperfect music talent. It’s been two years since I wrotea song. Well, enough with explanation. Have a great day ahead!

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Bloom Where You are Planted

Proverbs 31:15-17

While reading my motivation tab at work, I stumbled into this again.

At 26, I am so conscious about my career path and if I am able to provide the needs of our family. Being named “Jireh” honestly added pressure to me.

Now, you know why. 😂

Contemplating to it again, I realized, that it’s literally happening to me now. I am currently working at night for a different country and I am able to provide the needs of the family. And along side with this realization, God reminded me to bloom where I am planted today.

I am teacher by profession and my work right now is different though still in line with communication. Despite the difficulties of working outside my comfort zone, I know that I am where He wanted me to be. This time may be hard but I know that in this season of my life, He is constantly training and pruning me in so many levels. And despite the hardships, He still motivates me to shine and grow wherever I am.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13 ESV

Great thing that we have His words reminding us that whatever season we are in, He will always strengthen and enable us. Jesus is our best help.

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Committing Plans to Him

CTTO. Just saw this photo online.

I have been really busy these days. My sister and I were doing plans for the new business that we opened. Schedules, marketing strategies, supplies and other stuff are taken cared of. Somehow I am anxious about it. It is not my first time to open a business but I just really want to be assured that the Lord is with us in this journey. I believe that business is not just about how good you are but how He will join you every step of the way.

The verse above is a great reminder that we can trust God on our plans and He will guide us. We can always trust that His plans for us are good and it will be better to share our plans with Him. There is peace, joy and assurance that everything will turn out right.

Can you share one plan that you want commit to the Lord? I will be delighted to pray for you.

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Life Celebration

Jorel’s 17th birthday 🎂 (The one wearing Dedicated and Devoted shirt)

Thank you Lord for the life of our baby brother. May you always be with him. Make him a courageous man. Make him love you even more. Make him see you in everything. Make him to be like you. May your love, joy and peace abound to this young man.

Jorel is my youngest brother. He turned 17 today. He also finished his junior high school with honors. We are so excited for him to see what God has in store for him.

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection · Uncategorized

Dancing in the Current

We had internet outage for 6 days and it’s not really good. It hindered me do things like working, posting here and connecting with loved ones. And if you’re asking for data connection, it’s hard to get it on our area. Even Facebook messenger was really hard to open. Good thing, it’s already fixed.

But what did I learn from those 6 days? I learned to enjoy each moment.

These days, the Lord has been teaching me to wait and to tell you, it’s not my favorite lesson. As a person who doesn’t want to waste time, you can say that patience and waiting is not really my thing. But thankfully, He is our teacher, He will patiently teach us so we can eventually learn things.

During that time that we had no internet connection, I was able to read my Bible more, bond with my nephew, niece, and cousins. I had more time getting to know my cousins. I had more time doing household chores. I had less time online and spent it offline. I surprisingly enjoyed it. If it will be my usual self, I will surely be calling the Internet Provider every hour, pestering them to fix the connection but I didn’t. Instead, I just did the activities I can do like play with the kids, watch movie with them, chat with my cousins, accompany them to get driver’s license, read books and my Bible, laundry my clothes, wash the dishes, cook and experiment and etc.

Isn’t God so creative in teaching? In teaching, we have what we call, “Learning by doing” and I think that’s His teaching style. He wants us to get involve and experience to fully understand and learn.

God wants us to learn how to dance in the current sometimes and stop forcing things. This is what waiting and patience really mean – resting in Him assured that He is making things work together for good.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
-Galatians 5:22‭-‬23 ESV

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! -Psalm 27:14 ESV

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31 ESV

Personal

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

(Small Group with APEC Students – Date with Papa – Victory Group after service – Prayer time with the team – Youth International day – Small Group in the office)

I just miss the days when social distancing and staying at home is not the norm yet. Thankful for the gift of friends.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. – Ecclesiastes 4:9

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17

Whose lives are you thankful to God today?

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

On becoming First Choice

“Do I deserve to be a second choice?” We all have seen this question before and maybe even you already asked this question while re-affirming your worth.

I then remember one preaching about Ruth. It struck my heart because the pastor regarded her leaning on leftover grains as ‘getting leftover love’. And then he asked, “Have you ever felt like you are picking a leftover love or significance from your parents, friends, or other relationships?” And all I know is that I have been there but I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I am so done.

We love because he first loved us.   -1 John 4:19 ESV

See, even God gave us his FIRST so why are we settling in second place? He also gave his best and all for us. Remember that the greatest public display of affection was done on the cross. This even convinced me that we don’t deserve to be a second choice.

But the question also bounced back to me?

Does God deserve to be the second place in my heart? I choked. That struck me even more. This reminded me then of a commandment from the Lord.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. -Matthew 6:33 ESV

Seeking the kingdom is seeking the King. Where will the King be anyway? Remembering this, I evaluated myself, did I make the King first in everything I do?

As a single young professional, I want to establish a good long-lasting career so I always make the extra mile to excel. That’s not bad but I saw myself being too busy taking care of my job, making everything else second in my priority lane. I felt so guilty.

The Bible wants to remind us this:

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  – Hebrews 12:2

He must increase, but I must decrease. – John 3:30

I am thankful for God’s wonderful reminder of really seeing Him more than seeing myself, making Him my top priority every day. And I realized that I will never be the top priority because He should be that one. And I will always be happy to be the second knowing He is the first choice. And it will be enough that I am God’s first choice over being somebody else’s first choice.

Personal · Videos / Songs

Song Cover

(Sorry for the low-quality video). This was taken on my birthday last year and I really miss singing (and even playing instruments). I am currently at my aunt’s house right now (due to lock down) and I have no equipment with me here.

Sharing my favorite song declaring God’s dominion over all the earth. I hope you listen to this song.

Have a blessed day.

Personal

Love and Time

It took me longer than I thought.

I remember when I was young, I told myself, “I will probably be married by 25.” But here I am, 26 years old, and not even in a relationship. But oh, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed those years I have been alone. It was way liberating. It taught me things that I need to learn alone. And on the process, I realized 25 isn’t even a deadline! It was just a sort of standard the younger version of me created. Love has no deadlines. It couldn’t be enclosed in the box of time.

Yes, it took longer than I thought. I have been single for 2 years now but it doesn’t mean it’s too late. Two years wasn’t wasted, it served a greater purpose. I might not be married by 25 but at least I know I am ready even before reaching 25. All I need to do is wait and pray for the right one.

DescriptiveParagraph · Personal

I Don’t Want to Write about You

Despite your genuineness, I don’t want to write about you. It feels like the whole world will know and it will be jinxed after all. 

I don’t want them to know your best qualities: your sweet smiles, bright eyes, and warm hands, and your sincere ‘how are you’, intentional look, listening ears, and hearty laughs. Now, tell me how can I resist not to write about you, when you are worth writing for. The whole world should know that there is still someone real, someone who can flatter one’s heart as you. 

DescriptiveParagraph · HOME · Personal

Fan Girl

She loves how his curly hair is a little in chaos, how his eyes crease, how his wrinkles and dimples show as he smiles, and how his lips curve into a smile. She also loves his voice, the melody that has always been resounding in her head. At the thought of him makes her giddy. He’s that always appealing and handsome in her eyes. His name is Nicco Manalo.

(Credits to the owner of the photo)
(Description written by yours truly)
HOME · Personal

My Story of Hope

Last June of 2019, I attended Patricia Gabrielle’s first birthday and christening. She is the daughter of my high school friend, Kristelle. I was invited to be her godmother and I am very delighted to be one. Surprisingly, this child responded sweetly to me. She didn’t cry, but willingly come to me. She even rested in my arms! Oh how I love this kid!

And while she was sleeping in my arms, I was reminded of the word “family”. I asked myself if the Lord will give me a family of my own in the future. And prayerfully I whispered under my breath, “I hope.”

This kid quickly became a source of my hope and a reminder that one day, I will have a family of my own. Thank You, Lord, for the life of this child and her mom. They are blessings to me. ❤️

May you bless their whole family, Lord. May you bless the works of her parent’s hands. May you give them good family relationship. May you overflow the fruits of the spirit in them (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control ~Galatians 5:22-23) May you always guide them and protect them. In Jesus name, Amen.

I remember my personal word from the Lord about family

And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families. — Exodus 1:21

June 30. A story of hope. 😍