Personal · Videos / Songs

Update

I haven’t been writing these days and I know that. I miss those people I talk to here and how my thoughts flow about everything. And right now, I just want to share this song I’ve written yesterday. This pretty sums up everything I feel these past few weeks. Well, I was not sleeping well and have anxiety attacks. Anyway, leave me a comment or a feedback. And if you can include me to your prayers, I would appreciate it. Enjoy listening! (Lyrics written below)

Title: Anxiety
Sleepless nights
I’ve been staring at the ceiling
Overthinking everything

I’ve been restless
Reminded of the past
I am now drowning here

Oooooh
Hold me in your arms
Let me rest a bit
Tell me everything’s
Oooooh
Assure of your love
Stay by my side
Tell me everything’s
Gonna be all right

Nightmares visit
It scares the hell in me
I just don’t want to sleep

Shadows whisper
It echoes my mistakes
It kills me every single time

Pull me closer
When I try to runaway
Forgive me in every way
I hope you’ll still choose me
(I am not my anxiety)

Ps: Please excuse my fats and my imperfect music talent. It’s been two years since I wrotea song. Well, enough with explanation. Have a great day ahead!

Encouragements · Thoughts&Reflection

Restless?

Lately, I feel restless. I feel so tired at work, but still, I can’t sleep. My mind doesn’t stop thinking.

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Then God reminded me of a word He kept in my heart in the start of the year. It was about Ruth being restless too because she needs to get grains for them to live. I must admit that it’s really worst to have anxiety attacks especially when you need to work for a living. However, I was also reminded of our front liners today who has been tired at work and worried at some point that they might carry the virus and spread it without knowing to their loved ones.

Aren’t we are all tired? Tired of this battle in the mind, with the virus, with work, and others. And the good thing about being tired, we can be comforted and we know that at the end of the day, even if we felt alone, even if we thought no one is listening, God is there.

In 2 Corinthians 1:3 it says there, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Amen. Let us also remember His promise, Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

What I realized these days that I have been tormented with worries are: 1. God is in control no matter what. 2. We need to cling to His promises and always take heart! 3. Always be grateful in every circumstance. That’s a good heart check. What’s in your heart these days? 3. God’s comfort will always suffice. Sometimes, despite the genuineness of our friends we know that something is missing and “Everything’s gonna be okay” will never be enough. Seek God.

What are the sources of your tiredness these days? Is it your work, family, worries about the virus, provision of family needs? Know that we have one true God who will always be there for us no matter how tiring it is. Let us cast our cares to Him and be comforted by the One who truly cares about you.

Jesus left a note on your table as a reminder…

I hope that everyone will be filled with God’s grace and love today. Good night!

HOME · LifeExperience

My Healing, My Responsibility

Many people today face different abuses, traumas, difficult experiences or mental health issues. Well, who doesn’t experience any of these?

As a child, I experienced a difficult time when my mom died. I was only 6 then. Growing up, I was bullied. As an adult, I was sexually abused and went through a mental health issue. It was never easy. But I knew I should never just stop there. At some point, yes, I lingered with everything that happened to me. I saw myself as a victim of unfortunate events. But something has to be done. I shouldn’t keep myself from growing and seeing the light. I should stop being sorry for myself. So one by one, I started to address my issues.

To fill the void in my heart of not having a real mom beside me growing up, I found myself family to my friends. I remember calling some of my closest teachers in high school and college “mom”, and “dad” and treating my friends like my real siblings.

(These are some of my high school friends that I keep until now. My siblings from another mother. Family since 2007)

To fight the resounding voices telling me I am stupid, or not enough, I treasured the words of affirmation I get, especially when it comes from my dad. I also learned to read my Bible and get encouragement from there. It has been my solid rock, growing up. I especially loved Proverbs in the time when I always think of ‘suicide’ and unforgiveness.

In facing trauma, after a year, I decided to open up and tell my dad. I also had counseling sessions with one of our guidance counselors in school. I am already a teacher then and I just really grabbed the available resource that I had around me. I also got involved with small groups in the church where I learned to not be ashamed of what happened rather be brave.

After knowing that I have Generalized Anxiety with Depression, I sought help. Honestly, I was hesitant to get help at first. I just want to be alone. I shut people down and locked myself in the room but thankfully, I have been given a supportive stepmom who introduced me to a psychotherapist to get help. I attended therapeutic counseling sessions (I still do) to address and acknowledge my feelings and everything I went through.

And all those things happened because I decided. I decided not to lose myself. I decided to continue despite the hardships. I decided to see an opportunity in the ugly because I believe, my healing is my responsibility. I can always decide to just sit there and cry all day and night. I can disappear and die if I wish to. I can always blame the people around me for abusing me. I can have a heart full of unforgiveness and anger and carry the burden every single day. I can do all those but I chose not to. No one can ever be responsible for my healing. Even my parents, doctors, and psychotherapists, they cannot be responsible for it. No matter how professional and good they are, if I don’t want to be healed, and help myself, I will not be healed. I can only decide and take actions for it.

I remember a friend asked me, “Are you fully healed from all these?”

Yes, I believe so. Though there are times that I can hear a resounding voice in my head, reminding me of all the things happened in the past, I no longer let them dominate me. I always remind myself that the ugly things happen and I am not alone. There are people who went through the same thing or sometimes worst than that. But this thinking was not to ease myself but to remind me that we are all going through difficult times. From thinking this way, I started to see a new light and purpose, my healing can be an inspiration too for someone to heal.

I remember reading, “When a Good God Allows Rape” by Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza. That really helped me to go through tough times. It caused me to really depend on God in healing. I also talked to people who have similar experiences with me and it really brought me to seek healing. This made me realized that if some people inspired me to heal, I can do the same thing to others. I can be an advocate or help to people in need of healing in the areas I am healed.

So if you went through difficult times too or still going through it, I hope you find your way to the light. I hope you don’t stay where you are. I pray that you will be given courage, heart, and bravery to overcome. I pray that you will be strengthened and empowered to get up. I pray for peace, love, and joy to be renewed in your heart. God bless you.

HOME · Thoughts&Reflection

Covid-19, What Did You Do to Us?

Covid-19 has been very known to everyone today. It is called “pandemic” because it is widespread all over the world. It even caused lock down of cities and countries.

But does this just give us virus, sickness or deaths?

When this was brought to our attention, we knew that this originated from China. It started racial discrimination. A lot of people blamed it to Chinese people or think every Chinese has Covid-19. Later on, not just Chinese people are affected but Asians generally. It also brought shame to us. I remember one of the patients who resulted positive ran away from the hospital, feeling so ashamed of her situation. She thought of what people might think instead of thinking how she will be able to recover. Fear also dominated people. Fear of having the virus, fear of dying, fear of the possibility that the virus might mutate, fear of the extension of lock down, fear of lacking, fear of joblessness and fear of the future itself. We fear that this might cause us damages that we cannot bear. Who wouldn’t be afraid anyway? This is worldwide problem right now. And in the Philippines, (or maybe in other countries too), it created political divisions, debates of better governance, strikes to oust the president and other government issues.

But do you really think this is just about Covid-19? NO. This is about the issues of our hearts. What are you thinking? Are you anxious about the future or the virus, are you angry to the government or to Chinese people? This is not about them, this is about you and how you responded to this crisis. Are you posting online about your political views, racism, fears and doubts? How you responded to all these issues, answers what did Covid-19 did to you. How you responded declares what’s the very issues of your heart. Is it anxiety, racism, shame, death or panic?

I encourage everyone to stop and reflect. Stop posting online and listen carefully. Stop and pray. Do you know why this quarantine is essential? Because it gives us time to pause. Time to pause from being busy about everything. It’s time to stop and appreciate. Stop and realize.

Can’t you see, this also brought us something good? The environment is recuperating while on lock down — less pollution, you were able to enjoy time with your family and attend things at home, and you were able to spend time with yourself and find out new things to do.

I know, this is a difficult time. And that’s the reason why we don’t need any division. This is the time for us to help each other. Let us not bring each other down but bring each other up. Let us encourage one another to ease the anxiety and fear. Let us cooperate with the government so that the lock down will not extend. Let us calm our hearts to respond with peace, love, gratefulness and courage. This is how we fight Covid-19.

And remember, this too shall pass. Nothing is permanent in this world. Even pandemic.

Rise up courageous warriors. ❤️

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. — Isaiah 43:2

(Photos are not mine. They are from google. Credits to the photo owner)