I have a tattoo on my chest. It’s the first tattoo I really liked though it turned out to be my 3rd tattoo and most probably the last as well. (Not everyone saw this before. Not even my dad, if he sees it, he might do another sermon time. I don’t mind. That’s his right anyway.) But anyway, let me share to you the story behind this tattoo.
Growing up, I always asked myself the meaning of home. Just like every family, ours is imperfect. My parents were always busy, we had conflicts, and etc. And I always ask if home is the same as house. I knew it’s not ’cause it’s better than this concrete building that we have. As I grew older, it is always my dream to find my home. Well, maybe I haven’t found it yet or maybe I found it already but haven’t recognized it. All I know is thatI put it on my chest because I know that home is something close to my heart. Something or someone who would take care of it no matter how lost I think I am. And despite all my struggles right now, I know I still want to meet whoever or whatever it is. I want to recognize home at least before I am gone.
It started when I woke up from another weird dream. I felt the need to get up. I was having a hard time to breathe, having a little chest pain and I was shaking. I still managed to eat and talk to my 5-year old cousin. But after my hot bath which I enjoyed, I started to feel that I need to calm down. I started shaking, crying like I won’t stop anymore. I still managed to get warm water but the crying just won’t stop and I had a harder time to breathe. I guess I am strong enough, I was able to still ask my cousin, to call his dad. My uncle hugged me on the side and asked me if I needed to be rushed to the hospital but I declined. I knew, I just need to calm down. He helped me with warm water, and breathing. He prayed also prayed for me. I calmed down after a few minutes though somehow made me late to log in for work.
Right now, I am still feel a little dizzy and having some back pain but feeling better. I am just thankful that I have been surrounded with great people. I just hoped that he would not feel worried or afraid if this happens to me.
It’s early in the morning here in the Philippines but it seemed my mind is already been wondering to the deep sea where I can drown easily. I was thinking about how my friends and family could be tired of me.
I remember a friend who used to be a family of mine. I mean, we treat each other as sisters. I once pushed her away. I disappeared because I was hurt and when we reconciled after awhile, it was not just the same. Even tagging of simple memes seemed to be awkward now.
I know, it’s my fault. I shut down people when it seemed not right for me. I cry easily over simple things. I am overly sensitive. They must be tired of me. Well, what will they get if they console me? Basically nothing. It’s either, I won’t open up, or if I do, when they speak, I will just feel that they don’t listen or they are pushing me to believe something I don’t understand or believe. I will just ruin everything. Every single time. And honestly, even I, am tried of myself.
I am so sorry but yes, early today, words were just resounding in my head repeatedly. They poison me. If only being okay can be set with words. If only when you say “I’m okay” it will radiate on your soul and mind.
Wrote this not to discourage you this early but just to really write down my day to day journal, may it be struggle or happy thoughts. May it be a way to release, maybe. Feel free to comment encouragement, or even rants or just anything. I don’t mind.
Quarantine has not been friendly on my end. Anxiety attacks and depressing times are quite intense and I must admit, it was the reason why I have not been posting these days. But I promised my dad moving forward that I will seek more help this time and that I will keep on writing even if it’s just telling how my day went. He believed that it was my talent and that it’s therapeutic as well. (PS: His brother, my uncle Dan, also encouraged me on this)
My dad and my stepmom went to Manila from province just to pay me a visit. They both want to make sure that I am better now after what happened last week. Well, I still feel dizzy at times, and stomach pain is still reoccurring but surely, I am recovering. They also made a few calls check on the best help I can get. Plus, they corner me somehow and tell me stories about life. (Well, you know how a pastor trying not to preach but preaches anyway.)
I also got to see my favorites. They have been my family since I was a kid. We were teased together because of our curly hairs which were not easy to manage. I considered them siblings since then. Their mom also stood like my own mom too when mama passed away and their dad was my godfather/uncle at the same time.
It’s been years since I saw these babies. I am glad to have some time to talk and hug them. It’s a priceless quarantine bonding. Family is after all OUR HOME.
Thankful of course to my handsome uncle Nep too who has been very supportive to this meet up. He shared some good, humourous real life stories with learnings, of course. One thing that I got there is that he’s living all by God’s grace and cannot boast on his own efforts. Humbled by his stories though we are all guilty in the family that we look highly of him for being such a good family provider and being best at work.