Personal

Improvements

She is an Answered Prayer by Joana San diego

Even before my diagnosis, I already suffered from difficulty to focus which hindered me from reading and even writing sometimes. It’s frustrating on my end because I am huge fan of reading. But since last night, I was able to read without being distracted though it’s a two-page readings only. I feel so accomplished. Thank you, Lord. 💚💚💚

Do It Again, Planetshakers

Just like what this song say, God will do it again. He will heal me just like before. In Jesus name!

Personal

The Process

God is our healer. I believe that. He let me experience His healing power too many times. (Hospitalizations, say what now?!) But my question is how am I seeing the process of healing? What are my learnings along the way.

Today, as I heal in a certain area, God made me see more of His wonders more than the healing. On the process, I saw the value of life, people’s support, and reconcilation of my relationships. The Lord has always been so faithful that even on the process He lets me experience His hand caressing me. ❤️

Personal · Thoughts&Reflection

Slowly but Surely

I was pouring muscovado to a bottle when I realized how important to be patient and to do things slowly.

I don’t want to waste muscovado so I slowly pour it to the bottle. It took time but I have spill after pouring. I did it successfully. And I remember my healing, it might not be easy, it might take time (according to the doctor it might take 3 years of medication), it might not be purely straight line towards healing but it will be sure. I want to make sure, I am doing it right.

Ctto

I was feeling blue and I felt pressured. In one week time, it will be my birthday but somehow I felt like pressured. I was thinking if people will truly celebrate my birthday. Do they really appreciate my existence? I am worried as well of this feeling because I might not be healing well. Then my cousin sent that to me. And she’s right. There will be days that you will not be okay, and that’s fine. It will be a rough road towards healing but the important part is, you are healing. Slowly, but surely. I am now determine to take one step at a time. ❤️

Personal

Journal Entry #3

Tonight, I had panic attack.

It started when I woke up from another weird dream. I felt the need to get up. I was having a hard time to breathe, having a little chest pain and I was shaking. I still managed to eat and talk to my 5-year old cousin. But after my hot bath which I enjoyed, I started to feel that I need to calm down. I started shaking, crying like I won’t stop anymore. I still managed to get warm water but the crying just won’t stop and I had a harder time to breathe. I guess I am strong enough, I was able to still ask my cousin, to call his dad. My uncle hugged me on the side and asked me if I needed to be rushed to the hospital but I declined. I knew, I just need to calm down. He helped me with warm water, and breathing. He prayed also prayed for me. I calmed down after a few minutes though somehow made me late to log in for work.

Right now, I am still feel a little dizzy and having some back pain but feeling better. I am just thankful that I have been surrounded with great people. I just hoped that he would not feel worried or afraid if this happens to me.

I promise to seek more help and get better.

Personal · Videos / Songs

Update

I haven’t been writing these days and I know that. I miss those people I talk to here and how my thoughts flow about everything. And right now, I just want to share this song I’ve written yesterday. This pretty sums up everything I feel these past few weeks. Well, I was not sleeping well and have anxiety attacks. Anyway, leave me a comment or a feedback. And if you can include me to your prayers, I would appreciate it. Enjoy listening! (Lyrics written below)

Title: Anxiety
Sleepless nights
I’ve been staring at the ceiling
Overthinking everything

I’ve been restless
Reminded of the past
I am now drowning here

Oooooh
Hold me in your arms
Let me rest a bit
Tell me everything’s
Oooooh
Assure of your love
Stay by my side
Tell me everything’s
Gonna be all right

Nightmares visit
It scares the hell in me
I just don’t want to sleep

Shadows whisper
It echoes my mistakes
It kills me every single time

Pull me closer
When I try to runaway
Forgive me in every way
I hope you’ll still choose me
(I am not my anxiety)

Ps: Please excuse my fats and my imperfect music talent. It’s been two years since I wrotea song. Well, enough with explanation. Have a great day ahead!

HOME · LifeExperience

My Healing, My Responsibility

Many people today face different abuses, traumas, difficult experiences or mental health issues. Well, who doesn’t experience any of these?

As a child, I experienced a difficult time when my mom died. I was only 6 then. Growing up, I was bullied. As an adult, I was sexually abused and went through a mental health issue. It was never easy. But I knew I should never just stop there. At some point, yes, I lingered with everything that happened to me. I saw myself as a victim of unfortunate events. But something has to be done. I shouldn’t keep myself from growing and seeing the light. I should stop being sorry for myself. So one by one, I started to address my issues.

To fill the void in my heart of not having a real mom beside me growing up, I found myself family to my friends. I remember calling some of my closest teachers in high school and college “mom”, and “dad” and treating my friends like my real siblings.

(These are some of my high school friends that I keep until now. My siblings from another mother. Family since 2007)

To fight the resounding voices telling me I am stupid, or not enough, I treasured the words of affirmation I get, especially when it comes from my dad. I also learned to read my Bible and get encouragement from there. It has been my solid rock, growing up. I especially loved Proverbs in the time when I always think of ‘suicide’ and unforgiveness.

In facing trauma, after a year, I decided to open up and tell my dad. I also had counseling sessions with one of our guidance counselors in school. I am already a teacher then and I just really grabbed the available resource that I had around me. I also got involved with small groups in the church where I learned to not be ashamed of what happened rather be brave.

After knowing that I have Generalized Anxiety with Depression, I sought help. Honestly, I was hesitant to get help at first. I just want to be alone. I shut people down and locked myself in the room but thankfully, I have been given a supportive stepmom who introduced me to a psychotherapist to get help. I attended therapeutic counseling sessions (I still do) to address and acknowledge my feelings and everything I went through.

And all those things happened because I decided. I decided not to lose myself. I decided to continue despite the hardships. I decided to see an opportunity in the ugly because I believe, my healing is my responsibility. I can always decide to just sit there and cry all day and night. I can disappear and die if I wish to. I can always blame the people around me for abusing me. I can have a heart full of unforgiveness and anger and carry the burden every single day. I can do all those but I chose not to. No one can ever be responsible for my healing. Even my parents, doctors, and psychotherapists, they cannot be responsible for it. No matter how professional and good they are, if I don’t want to be healed, and help myself, I will not be healed. I can only decide and take actions for it.

I remember a friend asked me, “Are you fully healed from all these?”

Yes, I believe so. Though there are times that I can hear a resounding voice in my head, reminding me of all the things happened in the past, I no longer let them dominate me. I always remind myself that the ugly things happen and I am not alone. There are people who went through the same thing or sometimes worst than that. But this thinking was not to ease myself but to remind me that we are all going through difficult times. From thinking this way, I started to see a new light and purpose, my healing can be an inspiration too for someone to heal.

I remember reading, “When a Good God Allows Rape” by Joy Tan-Chi Mendoza. That really helped me to go through tough times. It caused me to really depend on God in healing. I also talked to people who have similar experiences with me and it really brought me to seek healing. This made me realized that if some people inspired me to heal, I can do the same thing to others. I can be an advocate or help to people in need of healing in the areas I am healed.

So if you went through difficult times too or still going through it, I hope you find your way to the light. I hope you don’t stay where you are. I pray that you will be given courage, heart, and bravery to overcome. I pray that you will be strengthened and empowered to get up. I pray for peace, love, and joy to be renewed in your heart. God bless you.