As I continue my medication, my body changed. I feel bloated, dizzy and sleepy every time. My body feels weaker than before. I always feel that I am dragging myself up and I need to fight the feeling that I need to stay in bed and get up to exercise. Today, I even cried on the threadmill! Gosh.Well, no one is forcing me to do things but I feel like I need to do it to be healthy. My hands are in constant tremors and sometimes it feels just nothing but numbness. My eyes are now extra blurry. And somehow, my heart feels weird for feeling empty and full at the same time.
But I am thankful for those people who are standing by me with all these changes, especially at work. Thankful for my family who are getting in touch always and my uncle who has been checking on me time after time and his awesome kids who makes my heart warm. Also, huge thanks to my team lead, Fabby for being such a great support in this time of changing season and health condition. Grateful as well to our company and bosses who never showed stigma on mental health but really making it always possible to help their employees.
Talking about changes, let me show you some creative changes I did to myself.
I think, the small changes I’ve made can be called self-care. I think it is an achievement to do these things since I always feel doing those are like a hard chore. Making a little difference and making myself a little pampered is good especially in this hard times, isn’t it? What do you think? Or you’d rather let me have pink hair? Hahaha!
God is our healer. I believe that. He let me experience His healing power too many times. (Hospitalizations, say what now?!) But my question is how am I seeing the process of healing? What are my learnings along the way.
Today, as I heal in a certain area, God made me see more of His wonders more than the healing. On the process, I saw the value of life, people’s support, and reconcilation of my relationships. The Lord has always been so faithful that even on the process He lets me experience His hand caressing me. ❤️
I was pouring muscovado to a bottle when I realized how important to be patient and to do things slowly.
I don’t want to waste muscovado so I slowly pour it to the bottle. It took time but I have spill after pouring. I did it successfully. And I remember my healing, it might not be easy, it might take time (according to the doctor it might take 3 years of medication), it might not be purely straight line towards healing but it will be sure. I want to make sure, I am doing it right.
I was feeling blue and I felt pressured. In one week time, it will be my birthday but somehow I felt like pressured. I was thinking if people will truly celebrate my birthday. Do they really appreciate my existence? I am worried as well of this feeling because I might not be healing well. Then my cousin sent that to me. And she’s right. There will be days that you will not be okay, and that’s fine. It will be a rough road towards healing but the important part is, you are healing. Slowly, but surely. I am now determine to take one step at a time. ❤️
During my therapy session this week, we dealt with the question, “Who is Jireh?”. It is a deep question that I cannot answer. Well, at least for now. So I came up with the solution of jotting down the things I like first.
I remember the movie, “Runaway Bride” of Julia Roberts. She must find out what she wants first before committing to someone. I think, we all need that. We need to know ourselves.
This morning, I went to the nearest convenience store to send money to my sister. I walked around the store too to check what I like and found a small bag of Almonds. I have been a fan of nuts but my favorite is Almond.
Observing small details like this is very important in knowing who you are. And I’ve learned from it that, knowing what I like will make me not just agree to people around. It will give me a stronger perspective of allowing myself to decide and not just go with the flow.
This is my 2nd tattoo. I know, faded! I specifically liked it ’cause if I will be honest, I used cut myself before. This served me more than just a symbol engraved in my body.
Honestly, I am not very good with this kind of hurt. I am always afraid to cut myself but somehow on my darkest days, when I felt so much pain emotionally, I would rather cut to feel it physically. Emotional pain seemed to be very unbearable to me. It’s quite a great escape for me though it’s not deep cuts, mostly, many shallow cuts. I put a tattoo right there to stop me from cutting. “1999” signifies my mom’s death which I think my first ever heart break that was not really easy to overcome but I was able to mend. “;” represents ‘keep going’ sign. Since I got this tattoo, I stopped cutting myself. This has been its use since then. It became a reminder for me not to cut or hurt myself.
It started when I woke up from another weird dream. I felt the need to get up. I was having a hard time to breathe, having a little chest pain and I was shaking. I still managed to eat and talk to my 5-year old cousin. But after my hot bath which I enjoyed, I started to feel that I need to calm down. I started shaking, crying like I won’t stop anymore. I still managed to get warm water but the crying just won’t stop and I had a harder time to breathe. I guess I am strong enough, I was able to still ask my cousin, to call his dad. My uncle hugged me on the side and asked me if I needed to be rushed to the hospital but I declined. I knew, I just need to calm down. He helped me with warm water, and breathing. He prayed also prayed for me. I calmed down after a few minutes though somehow made me late to log in for work.
Right now, I am still feel a little dizzy and having some back pain but feeling better. I am just thankful that I have been surrounded with great people. I just hoped that he would not feel worried or afraid if this happens to me.
It’s early in the morning here in the Philippines but it seemed my mind is already been wondering to the deep sea where I can drown easily. I was thinking about how my friends and family could be tired of me.
I remember a friend who used to be a family of mine. I mean, we treat each other as sisters. I once pushed her away. I disappeared because I was hurt and when we reconciled after awhile, it was not just the same. Even tagging of simple memes seemed to be awkward now.
I know, it’s my fault. I shut down people when it seemed not right for me. I cry easily over simple things. I am overly sensitive. They must be tired of me. Well, what will they get if they console me? Basically nothing. It’s either, I won’t open up, or if I do, when they speak, I will just feel that they don’t listen or they are pushing me to believe something I don’t understand or believe. I will just ruin everything. Every single time. And honestly, even I, am tried of myself.
I am so sorry but yes, early today, words were just resounding in my head repeatedly. They poison me. If only being okay can be set with words. If only when you say “I’m okay” it will radiate on your soul and mind.
Wrote this not to discourage you this early but just to really write down my day to day journal, may it be struggle or happy thoughts. May it be a way to release, maybe. Feel free to comment encouragement, or even rants or just anything. I don’t mind.
Quarantine has not been friendly on my end. Anxiety attacks and depressing times are quite intense and I must admit, it was the reason why I have not been posting these days. But I promised my dad moving forward that I will seek more help this time and that I will keep on writing even if it’s just telling how my day went. He believed that it was my talent and that it’s therapeutic as well. (PS: His brother, my uncle Dan, also encouraged me on this)
My dad and my stepmom went to Manila from province just to pay me a visit. They both want to make sure that I am better now after what happened last week. Well, I still feel dizzy at times, and stomach pain is still reoccurring but surely, I am recovering. They also made a few calls check on the best help I can get. Plus, they corner me somehow and tell me stories about life. (Well, you know how a pastor trying not to preach but preaches anyway.)
I also got to see my favorites. They have been my family since I was a kid. We were teased together because of our curly hairs which were not easy to manage. I considered them siblings since then. Their mom also stood like my own mom too when mama passed away and their dad was my godfather/uncle at the same time.
It’s been years since I saw these babies. I am glad to have some time to talk and hug them. It’s a priceless quarantine bonding. Family is after all OUR HOME.
Thankful of course to my handsome uncle Nep too who has been very supportive to this meet up. He shared some good, humourous real life stories with learnings, of course. One thing that I got there is that he’s living all by God’s grace and cannot boast on his own efforts. Humbled by his stories though we are all guilty in the family that we look highly of him for being such a good family provider and being best at work.
I haven’t been writing these days and I know that. I miss those people I talk to here and how my thoughts flow about everything. And right now, I just want to share this song I’ve written yesterday. This pretty sums up everything I feel these past few weeks. Well, I was not sleeping well and have anxiety attacks. Anyway, leave me a comment or a feedback. And if you can include me to your prayers, I would appreciate it. Enjoy listening! (Lyrics written below)
Title: Anxiety Sleepless nights I’ve been staring at the ceiling Overthinking everything
I’ve been restless Reminded of the past I am now drowning here
Oooooh Hold me in your arms Let me rest a bit Tell me everything’s Oooooh Assure of your love Stay by my side Tell me everything’s Gonna be all right
Nightmares visit It scares the hell in me I just don’t want to sleep
Shadows whisper It echoes my mistakes It kills me every single time
Pull me closer When I try to runaway Forgive me in every way I hope you’ll still choose me (I am not my anxiety)
Ps: Please excuse my fats and my imperfect music talent. It’s been two years since I wrotea song. Well, enough with explanation. Have a great day ahead!